My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
