as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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