he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
