I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
