matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
this just has baby written all over it
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
