just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
