I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
