Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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