i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
