I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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