She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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