ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
