I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
OPIZZABONMYDICK
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
