seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize