i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
