I met the friendliest cop last night
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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