Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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