Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
