And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
