I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
