he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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