i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
