just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Randomize
