Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize