Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
