Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
