Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
