Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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