Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
