upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
