there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
