i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Randomize
