I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
She even gives head with a lisp.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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