splinters make it hard to masturbate
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
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