...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
