you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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