remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
