I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize