I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
