I have demons in me.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
pray to the hookup gods
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize
