im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
