Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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