why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
