splinters make it hard to masturbate
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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