Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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