i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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