I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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