I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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