i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Randomize
