if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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