Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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