Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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