If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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