I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
